Erlkönig: zen-for-the-stupid.shtml

ZEN FOR STUPID PEOPLE
	-- Thomas Colthurst

By popular demand, we present ZEN FOR STUPID PEOPLE, a collection of Zen
koans, riddles, and parables for folks who watch too much daytime TV.

* What is the sound of two hands clapping?

* If a tree falls in the forest, and someone is around to hear it, does it
  make a noise?

* If you meet the Buddha in the road... well, step aside!  Make way!  This
  the THE Buddha we're talking about!

* A monk came to Joshu and asked, "What is Zen?".  Joshu replied, "Have you
  eaten your rice?"  The monk said, "Yes."  Joshu responded "Well, go
  ahead and have seconds!  There's plenty enough to go around!"  Hearing
  this, the monk was not enlightened.

* Two monks were arguing about a flag.  One said, "The flag is moving."
  The other said, "The wind is moving."  A Zen Master happened to be
  passing by.  He admonished them, saying, "Don't you guys have anything
  better to argue about?  Jesus!"

* One day Tokusan told his student Ganto, "I have two monks who have been
  here for many years.  Go and examine them."  Ganto picked up an ax and
  went to the hut where the two monks were meditating.  He raised the ax,
  saying, "If you say a word I will cut off you heads; and if you do not
  say a word, I will also cut off your heads."  Both monks continued their
  meditation as if he had not spoken.  Ganto dropped the ax and said, "You
  are true Zen students."  He returned to Tokusan and related the
  incident.  Tokusan immedieately had him arrested as a homocidal maniac.

* Question: "Does a dog have Buddha-nature?"
    Answer: "No."

* Question: "Why did Bodhidharma come from India into China?"
    Answer: "He was bored."

* Zen is drinking when you are thirsty, sleeping when you are tired, and
  taking the trash out on Tuesdays.