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Erlkönig: st-patricks-day.shtml> St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when > the 2% of the world's population that's Irish > gets the other 98% completely shitfaced. However, > while we appreciate that those who aren't Irish > wish to join in celebrating the day St. Patrick > (real name: Patrick McPuke) who drove the > serpents out of Ireland using only the power of > God, a quart of Jameson and weapons-grade > irradiated cobalt, the way most people observe > St. Patrick's Day is offensive and disrespectful. > There's nothing more pathetic than some fat > Polack or Guido swilling seven Buds mixed with > carcinogenic green dye drunkenly arguing that > INXS is "authentic Irish music" just before > barfing into a plate of corned beef and cabbage. > > Let's face it: most people are in no condition to > handle the all-day drunk of St. Patrick's Day. > However, if you follow this simple blueprint, you > can enjoy St. Patrick Day with no fear that > anyone will think you're not from the Auld Sod > even if your name is Amhed Al Jihad. > > Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. > > Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, > and > liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, > deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3 > p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other > poisons, and without proper preparations, you > will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a > fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use > this time to prepare. Collect the following > supplies and put them in a place where you will > easily be able to find it in an impaired > condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, > between the toilet and the baseboard heater, > since that's where you'll probably end up: > > 1 quart spring water > 1 bottle aspirin > 5 pairs Depends undergarment > 1 bottle Percocet > 1 gram morphine sulfate > 1 oz. human adrenaline extract > 1 precharged electric defibrillator > 4 Cardiac needles > 1 trauma surgeon > > Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson > Irish whiskey, drink. > > Note that coffee should be drunk liberally > throughout the day. There is a reason that the > Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a > large volume of artificial stimulants > throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you > are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be > taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress > enough that you should not drink and drive. There > is no reason to chance losing your license or > killing someone in a drunken state when you have > plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk > on your behalf. > > Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. > > Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure > this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish > bar in Boston is the best alternative, since > Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, > almost every city in America has bars called The > Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. > Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is > probably owned by Koreans. Secure a barstool and > do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar > is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish > people do no wait in line for drinks, no matter > what the consequences. While we do recommend the > use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant > smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, > you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, > and your mild urine smell will be completely > overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We > recommend starting out with a few more Irish > Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, > you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you > will be given a fruity little glass mug topped > with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy > named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while > putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for > coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to > leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add > spice to your day like the occasional whippet. > > Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. > > It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's > important to eat something, because like Sheriff > Bart said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like > that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you > want to maintain your buzz and not get that > hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down > your drinking, there are only two options: > popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates > you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up > excess bile in your stomach, and both have names > that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your > words too early, you'll hear the most frightening > phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's > Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off". By > now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to > beer. You have only one option here: Guinness > stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, > but remember: beer doesn't always turn green > because of food coloring. > > Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. > > By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people > take long lunches and bail out of work early to > tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, > the bar should look twice or three times as > crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in > conversation with some real Irish people, since > the person you came with has likely been taken > away by ambulance. Some conversational points to > remember when talking to the Irish are: Football > really means Soccer, and you should be more > passionate about it than you are about your wife > or husband AND The English are all piss-arsed, > pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and > kicked into the liffey. If you remember those two > points, as well at least three derogatory names > for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish > for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness > throughout this leg, although you may want to > have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has > become irregular. > > The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing > > Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to > leave the bar at closing time. This will be > impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 > usually equals death, and you should be pushing a > .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true > Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with > honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a > punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no > one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You > will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor > control has been gone since the late morning, but > it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. > Depending on your community, the police should > arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off > the floor and clap you in irons. The final > impression you leave is the most important: as > you > are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming > that you want to take your drink with you. You > will be a legend, and by now the friend who took > you to the bar should have had his or her stomach > pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By > following these simple guidelines, your St. > Patrick's Day experience would be one you would > never forget if it weren't physically and > biologically impossible for you to remember any > of it. |