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Erlkönig: revocation-of-independence.shtmlDate: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 07:25:19 -0500 I got this from someone here in Hursley, England, and almost fell off my chair laughing. The UK is having a jolly good time with the presidential elections in the states. Everyone is picking on me over here, asking me who the president is *every* time they see me. I've been saying that I'm not keeping tabs, so they won't bother me. When I saw this e-mail in my inbox this morning, I thought someone over here was sharing with me the election results, since I don't take the newspaper and haven't been watching the television. But noooo.... it was much more than that. Take a look... ---------------------- Forwarded by ... Subject: final election results Regards ---------------------- Forwarded by ... --------------------------- > NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE > > To the citizens of the United States of America: > > In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to > govern yourselves, we hereby give notice > of the revocation of your independence, effective today. > > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties > over all states, commonwealths and other territories. > Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (for the > 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware > that there is a world outside your borders, that's the Rt. Hon. Tony > Blair, MP) will appoint a minister for America > without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be > disbanded. A > questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you > noticed. > > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following > rules are introduced with immediate effect: > > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then > look up aluminium". Check the pronunciation > guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing > it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary > to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven > words interspersed with filler noises such > as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of > communication. Look up > "interspersed". > > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on > your behalf. > > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It > really isn't that hard. > > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the > good guys. > > 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", > but only after fully carrying out task 1. > We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. > > 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of > football. What you refer to as American > "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that > there is a world outside your borders may have > noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be > allowed to play it, and should instead play > proper football. > Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a > difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, > in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American > "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest > every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We > are hoping to get together at least a US > rugby sevens > side by 2005. > > 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if > they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who > were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count > yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been > the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t". > > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new > national holiday, but only in England. It will > be called "Indecisive Day". > > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your > own good. When we show you German cars, you > will understand what we mean. > > 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. > > Thank you for your cooperation. > > HRH |