Erlkönig: proxy-father.shtml

From: Dave Taylor <>
Date: Sun, 11 Dec 94 19:07:41 -0600
Subject: Seasons Greetings

Actually, this is nothing of the sort, but it was sent to me by a
friend at work.

-dave.
 

        The British Governments policy of socialized medicine has
        recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy
        Fathers".  Under the governments plan, any married woman
        who is unable to become pregnant during the first five
        years of her marriage may request the service of a "Proxy
        Father" a government employee who attempts to solve the
        woman's problem by getting her pregnant.
 

        The Smiths, a young married couple have no children and
        the government man is due to arrive.  Mr.  Smith on
        leaving, says "I'm off, the Government man should be here
        soon".  INSTEAD, however a door-to-door photographer who
        specialises in baby pictures rings the bell.
 

THE CONVERSATION WENT AS FOLLOWS:
 

Ms.Smith:        Good morning.
 

Salesman:        Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to...
 

Ms.Smith:        Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told
                 me you were coming.
 

Salesman:        Oh? Well good. I've made a specialty of
                 babies, especially twins.
 

Ms.Smith:        That's what my husband said. Please sit down.
 

Salesman:        Then your husband probably told you that...
 

Ms.Smith:        Oh yes, we both agreed this is the best thing to do.
 

Salesman:        Well, in that case perhaps we should get right
                 on with it.
 

Ms.Smith:        (blushing) Well, just where do we start?
 

Salesman:        Just leave everything to me. I usually try two
                 in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple
                 in the bed. Sometimes the living room floor works
                 well.
 

Ms.Smith:        Bathroom!!! Living room floor!!! No wonder it
                 hasn't worked for us.
 

Salesman:        Well lady, none of us can guarantee a good one
                 every time, but if we try six or seven times one of
                 'em is bound to be a honey.
 

Ms.Smith:        Pardon me, but isn't this a bit informal?
 

Salesman:        No indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in
                 a hurry.
 

Ms.Smith:        Well have you had much success with this?
 

Salesman:        (opening case and showing baby pictures) Just
                 look at these babies! They're all jobs I've handled. 

                 This one took four hours.
 

Ms.Smith:        Yes, this is a lovely child.
 

Salesman:        But if you want to hear about a really tough
                 assignment,  look at this picture. Believe it or not, it
was
                 done on top of a bus in downtown London.
 

Ms.Smith:        OH MY GOD!!!
 

Salesman:        And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in
                 town.  They turned out exceptionally well when you
                 consider that their mother was hard to work with.
 

Ms.Smith:        Oh, she was?
 

Salesman:        Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her
                 down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were
                 all around four and five deep pushing to get a good look.
 

Ms.Smith:        Four and five deep!!!
 

Salesman:        Yes, and for more than three hours too. But I
                 finally got  a couple of buddies to keep them back. I
                 could've shot again before dark, but by that time the
                 squirrels were beginning to nibble on my equipment and
                 I had to give up.
 

Ms.Smith:        You mean they actually chewed on your ahhh -
                 equipment? 


Salesman:        Yes, but it's all in a days work.
                 I've spent three long years perfecting my technique. Take
                 this baby. I shot this one in the front window of a big
                 department store.
 

Ms.Smith:        I can't believe it!
 

Salesman:        Well, madam, if your ready, I'll get my tripod.
 

Ms.Smith:        TRIPOD???!!!
 

Salesman:        Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment
                 on.  It's much too heavy to hold in my hand.
                 Ms.Smith...  Ms.Smith... Ms.Smith...
                 Goodness, she fainted!!!