Erlkönig: product-labels.shtml

[2003-09-30]

ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time 
I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
Oops, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(Duh!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." 
(Wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:  Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And I'm taking
this because...?.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." 
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." 
(Other use?)


On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." 
(Talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Maybe...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly." (Don't blame the company, blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:  Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)