Erlkönig: one-liners-carlin.shtml

>> George Carlin's humor!
>>  Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
>> One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
>> Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
>> If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
>apes?
>> The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
>> girls live.
>> I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
>> section? "   She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
>> What if there were no hypothetical questions?
>> If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
>> If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
>> woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
>> If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
>> considered a hostage situation?
>> Is there another word for synonym?
>> Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>> Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
>> What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
>plant?
>> If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
>> Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
>> Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean
>> them?
>> If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
>> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>> Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
>> If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
>> silent?
>> Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
>> Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
>> What was the best thing before sliced bread?
>> One nice thing about egotists:  they don't talk about other people.
>> Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
>> Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>> How is it possible to have a civil war?
>> If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
>> If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
>> If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
>> Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
>> Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
>> Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
>> Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
>> If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
>> why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
>> Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
>> If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become
>> disoriented?