Erlkönig: mcdonalds-applicant.shtml

> This is an actual job application someone submitted at a
> McDonald's fast-food establishment ... and they hired him!
> As what?
>
> 1.  NAME:  Greg Bulmash
>
> 2.  DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously,
> whatever's available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I
> wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
>
> 3.  DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
> Michael Ovitz-style severance package.  If that's not possible,
> make an offer and we can haggle.
>
> 4.  EDUCATION:  Yes.
>
> 5.  LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.
>
> 6.  SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.
>
> 7.  MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of
> stolen pens and Post-it Notes.
>
> 8.  REASON FOR LEAVING:  It stank.
>
> 9.  HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
>
> 10.  PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday,
> and Thursday.
>
> 11.  MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one,
> would I be here?
>
> 12.  DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
> YOU FROM LIFTING (UP TO 50 LBS)?:  Of what?
>
> 13.  DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate
> question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
>
> 14.  HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
> I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
> Sweepstakes.
>
> 15.  DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
>
> 16.  WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living
> in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks
> I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like
> to be doing that now.
>
> 17.  DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
> BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.