Erlkönig: maimed-parrot.shtml

So, it seems this guy is having marital problems.  He and the
wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes
to a pet store thinking a pet might help.  As he wanders down
the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.  Surprised, he
wonders out loud, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
    Swiveling his head, the parrot replies, "With my prick!"
    Startled, the man says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot!"
    "I'm a very well educated bird.  I can discuss politics, sports,
religion, any subject you want!"
    "You sound like just what I was looking for!  How much do you
cost?"
    "Well, there's not much of a market for maimed parrots.  If you
offer the proprietor $20, I'll bet he'll sell me."
 
The guy buys the parrot and for a few months things go great.  When
he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.  One day the guy comes home
from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in, and shut
the door -- we have to talk."
    "What's up, little buddy?"
    "I don't know how to tell you this, but a man came to the door today,
and, well...  your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her!
    "Oh, no!"
    "Then, well, he fondled her breasts."
    "He did?"
    "Then he pulled her negligee up and started sucking on her breasts."
    "I'll kill her!  My God, what happened next?"
    "Well," the parrot replies, "I don't know.  I got a hardon and fell
off my perch."