Erlkönig: dentist.shtml

 One hundred subjects were selected based on their lack of dental
 checkups over a period no less than five years previous to this date.
 This was accomplished by the convenient method of rounding up people
 found in college computer labs on Friday and Saturday nights, and giving
 those people Breathalyzer(TM) tests.  Those for whom the Breathalyzer
 machine turned sickly green were selected as subjects.

 Fifty of the subjects were selected at random to receive a dental
 checkup via Method A (dentist), while the others received Method B
 (twelve-gauge).  The experiment was triple-blind - i.e., the subjects
 did not know at any time which treatment they were receiving, the
 experimenters did not know at any time which treatment they were
 administering, and everyone responsible has consistently disavowed
 knowledge of the entire experiment.

 Criteria listed below were checked during treatment and at various times
 afterwards, as appropriate.

 Criteria               Method A                Method B
 --------               --------                --------
 patient expressed      yes, quite loudly       patients' expressions
  pain during                                    were priceless during
   treatment                                      treatment
 patient requested      yes, quite loudly       patient seemed too
   painkillers                                    surprised to react
   during treatmen
 patient was able       yes, some left early    patients were kept for
   go home same day                               further supervision
patient expressed      yes, there were         no patient spoke out
   negative feelings      complaints              against their
   about treatment                                treatment
   afterwards
 patient mentioned      no such comments        all patients sat in
   looking forward to                             chair, quietly
   next treatment                                 looking forward
 mortality rate         zero percent            102 percent (one
   within a week                                  experimenter was
                                                  accidentally shot)
 lawsuits filed         three                   forty-four
   within a week

 As is clear from the data above, Method B is superior to Method A in
 almost all respects.  Method B is less expensive, much simpler and
 quicker, and leads to far fewer complaints on the part of the patient.
Further study is likely to reveal that Method B can be administered by a
 "dentist" with far less experience than that required by Method A - that
 is, a duck-hunting license will suffice in lieu of a DDS.