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TALISMAN
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dentist.shtml
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Erlkönig: dentist.shtmlOne hundred subjects were selected based on their lack of dental checkups over a period no less than five years previous to this date. This was accomplished by the convenient method of rounding up people found in college computer labs on Friday and Saturday nights, and giving those people Breathalyzer(TM) tests. Those for whom the Breathalyzer machine turned sickly green were selected as subjects. Fifty of the subjects were selected at random to receive a dental checkup via Method A (dentist), while the others received Method B (twelve-gauge). The experiment was triple-blind - i.e., the subjects did not know at any time which treatment they were receiving, the experimenters did not know at any time which treatment they were administering, and everyone responsible has consistently disavowed knowledge of the entire experiment. Criteria listed below were checked during treatment and at various times afterwards, as appropriate. Criteria Method A Method B -------- -------- -------- patient expressed yes, quite loudly patients' expressions pain during were priceless during treatment treatment patient requested yes, quite loudly patient seemed too painkillers surprised to react during treatmen patient was able yes, some left early patients were kept for go home same day further supervision patient expressed yes, there were no patient spoke out negative feelings complaints against their about treatment treatment afterwards patient mentioned no such comments all patients sat in looking forward to chair, quietly next treatment looking forward mortality rate zero percent 102 percent (one within a week experimenter was accidentally shot) lawsuits filed three forty-four within a week As is clear from the data above, Method B is superior to Method A in almost all respects. Method B is less expensive, much simpler and quicker, and leads to far fewer complaints on the part of the patient. Further study is likely to reveal that Method B can be administered by a "dentist" with far less experience than that required by Method A - that is, a duck-hunting license will suffice in lieu of a DDS. |